i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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