Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
