let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
