Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
