i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
