Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
