I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize