6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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