Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
