just come out here and I will go home with you...
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
