i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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