i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
