it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Acid is not a monday night drug
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
