Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
