it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
