I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
