Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
