Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
