i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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