I showed him my bush... on skype.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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