yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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