Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
