Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
