This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
