Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
