piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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