I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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