My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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