never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
