I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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