you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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