Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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