Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
