i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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