I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Hello my rib-scented angel!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
