Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
