WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Sober January is a disaster.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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