aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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