wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
