Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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