never play flip cup with pint glasses
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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