checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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