Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
