im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
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