No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Randomize
