goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
