Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
