my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
