My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
