I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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